I’ve come to understand empty nest as a verb, “empty nesting” I like to call it. The letting go process is fundamental to parenting and continuous. Some empty nest experiences create such emotional turmoil and sadness that parents face empty nest syndrome. Each person needs to find where they want to direct that new energy but I think the first step is to frame this stage of life with a FRESH CHAPTER MINDSET.
Both parents can face perinatal depression, not just the one who gave birth. Allow yourself to love and care for yourself. You are worth it and there is nothing better for your baby. Here are 5 steps to guide you to mental well being and happiness. Not just if you’re severely depressed–These steps for mind body and spirit are preventative and relevant even if you are mildly depressed or anxious.
After three decades of counseling struggling couples, and after experiencing transformation within my own marriage, I've been able to identify the core components of a lasting and fulfilling relationship. I'd like to introduce you to what I have found unshakeable over time, what I call The Four Pillars.
Discontent between parents and their adult children has been around for centuries. In today’s times, however, the pursuit of personal growth and happiness among millennials is empowering the breaking of cycles and setting of new boundaries. The younger generations don’t want to follow the status quo and the older generations don’t understand why their children don’t appreciate and respect their elders' ways, contributions and rights.
So many adult clients I meet with have no idea that their ADHD brain is impacting the way they think, behave and feel––and how they show up in their relationships. I have a keen eye for picking up on the signs.The first step of making the most of your own neurology is to understand it. Learn about yourself and the way ADHD shows up in your life — the challenges and the impressive gifts!
With social media growing as a tool to promote oneself and connect with others, many are finding themselves out of balance from the experience of building a public persona. I like to call this “Social Media Identity Syndrome.” To begin with, we are wired and socialized to care about how others perceive us. Today’s constant exposure to the opinions of the external world—by way of likes, comments, followers—puts us at greater risk for losing touch with the visceral experience of being an authentic human being, and having real and personal connections (especially with ourselves).
Yes, social media is a fact of life in the 21st century, a positive fact even—in business and marketing, and in our social and spiritual arenas. But too much of a social media identity can take a toll on our time, the quality of our lives and our relationship with who we are. So how can we navigate the boundaries of a social media identity and stay balanced? How can we express and expose ourselves on social media—share wisdom and stay relevant—and at the same time safeguard against FOPO (Fear of Other People’s Opinion), which social media savagely feeds?
Step 1: Know Thyself: A Social Media Identity Syndrome Questionnaire (SMISQ)
Understanding the potential side effects of building your public persona offers a baseline from which to check yourself. Ask yourself honestly, “How many of these dangers ring a bell?” (Big DING if it resonates, little ding if there’s a hint of truth.)
Do you find yourself spending too much time crafting your posts at the expense of spending quality time on what you value most?
Do you find yourself frequently, and repeatedly, checking the reactions to what you’ve posted? Or what others have posted?
Do you find the quality of your here-and-now experiences diminished from being preoccupied with making sure you document what is happening and with whom?
Do you find yourself distracted and having a harder time being in the present, being still and comfortable in your own skin?
Do you notice your self worth going up and down the ladder based on the responses to your posts?
Do you feel guilty, anxious or FOMO (fear of missing out) if you don’t post?
Do you struggle with comparing yourself with other social media handles—what they’re posting or doing in their lives?
Do you rethink or doubt how you are living your life and the choices you are making based on what you see others doing or posting?
Do you feel less at peace with yourself, or perhaps empty inside, after posting or perusing others’ posts?
Step 2: Create Good Boundaries Between the Real You and Your Social Media Identity
Here are some simple (not necessarily easy) tips to encourage living your life and connecting with others based on your authentic self (and protect yourself from the identity-eating social media monster).
PAUSE BEFORE POSTING, IDENTIFY YOUR “WHY.”
Take a deep slow breath and check your consciousness, continually. Ask and re-ask yourself the questions from the questionnaire above. Are you posting for external validation, to impress, to feel more worthy or respected by others? Or are you posting because it’s in line with your personal mission or the difference you want to make, whether it’s through your words or your services? Or perhaps your “why” is to stay connected with people who are important to you? Or to express your creativity and have some fun? Base your posts on the “why’s” that feed your inner being. Your branding will come through more purely and strong.
We must fight within our minds to lead from a place of how I want to influence versus be influenced based on others’ reactions to me. When you catch yourself seeking outside validation or coming from guilt or shame, then resist that urge to post at all right then and redirect yourself toward an activity that expresses your most authentic self. Or pause and redirect your mind to a reason for posting that feels more fulfilling and true for you.
I recently reread one of my favorite books, The Secret, by Michael Berg. In this short read, he shares that the key to true happiness comes from the experience of growing more and more into a being of sharing. Before I post on my Instagram handle (or speak publicly, meet with clients or write blogs), I do my level best to remember to check in and make sure to align myself with this ultimate purpose. Not for the outcome, or to even have an identity at all, but so that I can grow myself more into a being of sharing. That’s it, this singular focus changes everything, and is really all we need.
CREATE BOUNDARIES TO PREVENT LOSING YOURSELF
Some concrete ideas for protecting yourself from being swallowed up by the social media identity impulse include the following:
Resist the urge to keep checking your accounts for likes, follows, etc.; and the same for feeling the pressure to post with every experience. Take a deep breath and redirect your energy within yourself, when you feel the impulse to the external.
Create a true self mantra, and repeat again and again. Such as, “The power within me is greater than I can ever imagine. All I need, the wisdom, the guidance, the blessings can be found within, not outside of me.” or “I am safe to be who I really am. The joy and fulfillment I seek comes from living the truth of my inner being.”
Be Yourself, on and off the screen. Take the risk of being naturally you and expose who you are as a real person. Our daughter, Andrea, aka @somaticwitch, told me yesterday that she tries to keep it more personal by using her first name as much as she can. Though it’s a professional handle, it helps to interact in ways that keep her feeling like a human not a brand.
Nourish what keeps you grounded and fulfilled. Make your list of “Something in my life is not right unless I’m ____________________.
As an example, for me, “Something in my life is not right unless I’m… running, writing poetry, baking, studying Kabbalah, journaling, reading before bed, immersing in nature, listening to music up loud in my house, stretching, making new friends, time with my family.” You can check out this list of resources I use for myself and clients as a good starting off point to identify what it is that makes you feel whole, connected and alive in your own skin.
Sending my well wishes from me to you,
Rachel, aka @counselor4soulsearchers
I always know where I am in my life, within my self, by looking at these three areas in my home: my closet, my desk, and my refrigerator. If I am neglecting my self in some way, or feeling overwhelmed, I’ve learned it’s time to start emptying and organizing. Bit by bit, I begin sorting and cleansing my way into a sense of control and confidence, outside and in.
According to the wisdom of Kabbalah, our home is a manifestation of our soul — a place to park our soul at the end of the day. We want to use our home as a reminder of how our consciousness should be. It’s up to us to create the energy in the home and to make it a reflection of us. Creating balance and order around us helps us do the same in our consciousness. Author and home organizer, Regina Leeds, puts it more bluntly, "Your crap and your clutter is what's going on inside of you." Don’t we all know and feel that!
This month, nearly every major publication and network is talking about author, Marie Kondo and her Tidying Up series on Netflix. Who doesn’t agree that tidiness makes us feel better? And yet many do not grasp the extent, and the far reaching impact positive impact of decluttering? So what are the benefits of creating order in our home? And what is the best approach to declutter with joy and balance (and that we can sustain)?
The Psychological, Spiritual and Relationship Benefits of Tidying Up
We know it from experience, but research confirms that those who move from clutter to tidiness experience not only a decrease in stress but an increase in their ability to process information and to focus on their goals. Order also helps us feel more creative, hopeful and more confident we can achieve our potential.
Order can awaken it’s own brand of simple joy. We find a serenity that comes with less stuff. The key is balance. While it can be a happy and beautiful experience to buy a new dress or gadget, or to treasure a sentimental item, there’s a flip side to “too much” and not being sensitive to how each item affects us. Without balance, and developing what Marie Kondo describes as an empathic sense of what sparks joy, we can stuff ourselves into emptiness and guilt.
Even if it doesn’t reach the proportion of a full blown hoarding crisis, too much stuff can easily become an addiction, a distraction, an escape from connecting with our bodies, our loved ones, our pain, our self and the truth within our soul. We are energy seekers by nature, and in a consumer society, it’s easy to turn to the illusionary solution of accumulating more stuff when it’s something much deeper that brings lasting joy. Decluttering opens up the space to connect from within—or as my daughter, Andrea Glik, LMSW, likes to say, “come home to yourself.”
In our relationships, chaos in our environment can easily get in the way. In large part because it’s harder to connect with ourselves much less another. Ask anyone with young children about this one. I remember that time in our life, back in the day, and listen to the struggles of many young couples who can’t seem to catch up. Not only from the hectic and relentless running around of those little joy machines, but just from the mess and disorder itself. It can be difficult to find that open space to connect. The key is finding a way to make the tidying up process light and fun, and not just on the shoulders of one person. It’s about creating an attitude of empathy, gratitude, and mutual care towards your home, your items, and especially the people with whom you live and love. So now let’s talk about the how …
Best Practices for Tidying Up
According to Marie Kondo’s Konmari method, she recommends the following rules:
RULE 1: Commit yourself to tidying up.
RULE 2: Imagine your ideal lifestyle.
RULE 3: Finish discarding first.
RULE 4: Tidy by category, not by location (e.g.,clothing, books, papers, kitchen/bath, sentimental)
RULE 5: Follow the right order.
RULE 6: Ask yourself if it sparks joy.
Here are 7 Tips to not only help make the tidying up more joyful but also SUSTAINABLE:
1. ACCEPT YOUR OWN RHYTHM
Make perfectionism the first thing you discard. Each person is unique and that’s in the beautiful design of our universe. While some decide to make the clearing and tidying process an intense and concentrated project, I find that each person needs to find the rhythm that works for them.
As most of us do, I wear many hats and I continue to make choices that demand from me, stretch me and require constant change. This makes my days and sometimes evenings quite full. That being said, I can’t say that full time organizer fits in my hat closet. So what works for me is to grab snippets of time wherever I can. One fridge-drawer here, one under-the-sink-cabinet there. Maybe it’s the sock drawer before work and the underwear drawer after. Usually mornings work better for me because clearing out and tidying up often requires more decision-making energy than we realize. Sometimes there’s a time for going all in and devoting full days, but I don’t recommend the all or nothing mindset.
2. MAINTAIN BALANCE
While a neat house reflects a person who takes good care of themselves, too neat can show obsession or lack of presence or warmth. I suggest reflecting within, using the extremes of “mess” and “over-neat,” as a gauge for where you are.
3. CREATE A SPACE THAT REFLECTS YOU
Our home should be a reflection of us, not who we think we should be or what others think. When decorating, organizing and tidying, ask yourself, “IS THIS ME?”
4. AWAKEN MINDFULNESS AND COMPASSION
The Kanmari method is most well known for the invitation to ask oneself, “Does this item awaken sparks of joy?” Answering that question requires listening within and being present in the moment without any judgement about what you might hear. Try inviting self-compassion and self-acceptance, right where you are now. Also consider carefully you’re personality and attention style. Some are organically orderly in their way of processing information and life. Others are more expansive in their attention span, and this can affect your relationship with the space around you. So please be gentle with yourself if consistency and keeping order is naturally a struggle.
5. WORK ON LETTING GO—OF ITEMS AND EMOTIONS
When cleaning out our things, its a powerful opportunity to listen to our feelings, especially when we find ourselves having difficulty letting go of items. Pause, take a few deep breaths and pay attention within to the emotions the item brings up or what you’re feeling at the very idea of discarding it. The idea isn’t to feel forced to give precious things away. We must honor our truth when it’s useful, authentic, joyful or meaningful for us to keep an item in our home, in our life.
That being said, oftentimes we hold onto things for less than joy-sustaining reasons. For example, you might feel guilt for not having used an item enough, or fear of not having what you need at a later time. Maybe your ego voice is bombarding you with should’s or I need this to feel good enough. Remind yourself, You are always enough. Sometimes we don’t let go of an item because we don’t realize the drain on our consciousness that keeping it really causes, especially if it’s from a person we need to move on from or some other aspect of our past.
You might need to add soothing and cleansing rituals to support your tidying journey, especially to make it a way of life. Examples include: opening a window, lighting a candle, burning sage, spraying essential oils. If you’re really struggling to let go, a counselor or close friend might offer the support and strength you need. Whatever it takes to help you LET GO— whether of the items that do not spark joy or the emotions that keep you stuck. Remember, on the other side of letting go awaits your new and more joyful, loving, and authentic life.
6. SAY THANK YOU
Every living thing or object contains sparks of the Light of Creation itself. Many spiritual pathsteach this beautiful idea. When clearing items away, I love the idea of openly thanking the item for however it served you before you say goodbye. This can assist with the letting go and moving forward into your present life, with newly refreshed goals and dreams.
7. TIDY WITH RESPECT AND UNITY IN MIND
One of the gifts Marie Kondo brings to tidying up is the unconditional respect and acceptance she injects into the process— towards the tossed away items themselves, towards oneself and towards the others in the home.
In the Down-sizers episode, Marie shares, “It’s very important when you’re tidying to respect each other. Having a family of my own, and being a mother and I think the things in our house and all the family members in a home kind of function the same way. We each play a role and we only have a limited amount of space and we all need each other.”
“We almost break up every year after Christmas,” my client announced. “We go to multiple Christmas’s, and at the end, we’ll declare (if we’re not breaking up) ‘next year we’re leaving town.’” The holidays can be a loving, joyous time for couples, and yet, they can run our stress high and patience thin, trigger old family issues, highlight our different needs and approaches, and quite honestly awaken the “what about me” consciousness. All this can add up to a massive wedge in our most important relationship.
Sometimes our greatest angst comes from the gap between our expectations— the “should be’s”— and our reality right in front of us. Difficulties and unmet expectations are not only normal, but an inherent and valuable part of our “growing upward” in life. We become better, stronger from the challenges we face, especially when we own them! We create deep fulfillment when we dive into the darkness and bring out the Light. And anyone in a deep and lasting relationship should know the hard earned and quite miraculous process that it takes for two separate souls to un-peel their ego layers to become one.
Preparation is key for couples to navigate their relationship during the holidays, and this starts with a commitment to going into the holiday as partners. Many outside forces can invade your togetherness but the more you prepare, the more protected your bond will be. I like to suggest openly identifying the potential sources of strain or conflict that the holidays might pose. COUPLE EXERCISE #1: Take a look at this list below and scope out any hot buttons. Then use THE 4C APPROACH to strengthen your partnership.
List of Potential Stressors
Increased work load, feeling overwhelmed and not clear about how to divide and share the added tasks
Socializing differences (I don’t want the party to end vs I can’t wait to go home)
Loyalty to your family and pulled about dividing time among each side, and step families
Differences in culture, religion, or spirituality
Emotional pain and lack often stirred up from childhood making us more vulnerable and reactive
Certain people we are anxious to be around, like In laws or parents or siblings
Financial strain and different values on how much do we spend on gifts/food
Alcohol and the need to talk about consumption
Additional compounding life challenges like illness, loss, financial bills or work uncertainty
The 4C Approach to Closeness During the Holidays
1. CONSCIOUSNESS: Take Control of Your Holiday, Don’t Let the Holiday Control You
I learned from the great Kabbalist, Rav Berg, that “consciousness is everything.” Meaning, the seeds we plant with our thoughts and intentions directly influence what will grow and manifest. The first limiting thought to challenge is, “I don’t have control over my relationship, my holiday, my happiness.” Catch this one quickly and replace with, “I create my relationship, my holiday, my happiness.” Let’s take the client I spoke about earlier, who has made great strides in claiming her power. She now approaches the holidays as a spiritual growth game. Her intention has moved from how can I change my family or get them to love me to how can I see the good, be more compassionate and learn to listen. Further, how can I wake up and first thing, appreciate my partner. I love this story of taking control of your holiday, your relationship…your life.
2. COMPASSION: Accept Yourself, Your Partner, Your Reality With Love
Acceptance and compassion go hand in hand, and paradoxically, they provide the best platform for making personal changes and inspiring others to change. To embrace and be with your self, your beloved, and your unique reality together— with acceptance and trust that for good reason, you need to be here in this moment—this opens your heart, and you can just feel the lightness pour in. If you’re feeling heavy or emotionally reactive, a pause is a must. Sometimes that means stepping away from your partner, taking a shower, going for a walk, looking at the sky, sharing in some way—these can all shut down the limiting force of the ego and make room for the bigger picture. Set your intention to awaken compassion within, beg if you have to, and do for yourself that which brightens your soul. I’m a huge fan of self compassion. As Louise Haye says so well, “Loving others is easy when I love and accept myself.”
3. COLLABORATION: Go Into the Holiday as Partners
When we choose to invest in a committed relationship, our lives become interdependent. Our togetherness becomes an entity. If one partner’s gain puts a hole in the galley, then the whole relation”SHIP” goes down. This puts us in a vulnerable position, because we must create a oneness when we often have divergent needs or desires. But this is the beauty in the dance of love and intimacy—navigating our own individuality alongside our growing capacity to care more for the other’s happiness than for our own. Taking it one step at a time, we can use the holidays to begin negotiating and taking turns when our own dreams and desires don’t line up. This collaboration can center around conversations (be careful they’re not “controler-sations”) on the following kinds of topics:
Effectively sharing and negotiating the additional workload common during the holidays
Respectfully considering the traditions and values from each partner when creating your own
Balancing the religious and spiritual meaning and practices associated with the holiday
Showing care and support when our partner’s are stressed or emotionally vulnerable. “This means being supportive, even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable,” (Dr. John Gottman)
Being sensitive to personality differences when it comes to attending parties and gatherings
4. COMMUNICATION: Calmly Make Sure Both Are Heard
One of my favorite communication exercises to do with couples in my practice is the Dream Catcher by Dr. John Gottman. It’s a turn taking, structured exercise that with great practice and self control can become more integrated into how we relate to our partners. Rather than pushing our point, calling the other out in some way, the focus is on creating a safe haven of authenticity where each partner feels seen and heard. The listener spends around 10-15 minutes asking questions like:
What do you feel about this issue?
Is there a story behind this for you?
Does this relate to your childhood or background in some way?
What do you need with this issue?
Tell me why this is so important to you?
What do you wish for?
What would be your ideal dream here?
Is there a fear or disaster scenario in not having this dream honored? having this dream honored?
Is there a deeper purpose or goal in this for you?
COUPLE EXERCISE #2: Pick one of the hot buttons that stood out from the list of stressors above and take turns being the speaker and the listener. The problem might not be solved, and that’s okay. The purpose is to care enough to catch one another’s real dream and desire. Many need a counselor to help prepare them for this level of listening. You’ll know you are ready for this exercise as a couple if after your heart is filled with love and you feel closer.
Below is the FOx2am show on this topic; and here are 2 links with communication resources. Communication and fighting fair tips, and more about the Dream Catcher.
Whether it’s about who does more or who makes more, or maybe it’s who works the hardest or who is in better shape. The bottom line is that while couples yearn to come together as one, the human ego has a pesky way of allowing competition to invade the safe haven needed for love to deepen and grow. Here are some common competitive scenarios I hear about:
Some splits between parent and child come from something sudden or dramatic, but most broken ties develop gradually and stem from misunderstandings and less extreme, albeit hurtful, interactions. Let’s talk about what hope there might be if you are estranged from your parent or child. Here's what I recommend…
When a new couple reaches out for help, almost without exception, it quickly comes to light that the problems in the marriage, in large part, stem from this repeated proclamation, “Well, the kids have always come first.” Now here they sit on the counseling couch, and to some degree in a marriage run empty with one or both feeling neglected, unloved.
