THE DREAM-WITHIN CONFLICT INTERVENTION

• The purpose is to make the relationship safe enough for the dreams to emerge and to move from gridlock to dialogue, from separation to unity. Dialogue eventually becomes humor and respect for each other’s dreams, values, and beliefs, or lifestyle preferences.

• Very important to understand the differences between perpetual problems and solvable problems.

• Do not try to solve the issue.

• Each partner has 20 minutes to be the speaker while the other partner listens. After 20 minutes, the other partner listens. After 20 minutes, they trade roles. This slows everything down and avoids the 4 Horsemen or attack/defend.

PERPETUAL CONFLICTS

• Based on differences in personality and Based on differencesin personality andlifestyle preferences

• A Perpetual Conflict gets gridlocked when partners fight to solve their way.

• Partners can’t yield on gridlocked conflicts,because beneath each one’s position are underlying dreams, beliefs, fears and values: the

existential heart of their position.

The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

• Criticism• Defensiveness• Contempt• Stonewalling

THE SPEAKER’S JOB

• Honestly talk about their feelings and beliefs about their issue.

• Explore what the issue means to them.

• Explore what dreams they may have that underlie the issue.

• They will be asked questions by the listener to draw out their underlying beliefs, feelings and dreams.

THE LISTENER’S JOB

• Just listen without bringing up their own position on the issue until it’s their turn to be the speaker.

• Don’t invalidate what the speaker is saying.

· Assume the speaker is being truthful.

• Help the speaker to feel safe enough to go

deep into what underlies his or her position.

• Ask questions that draw out the partner.

• Don’t try to solve the issue.

QUESTIONS FOR THE DREAM CATCHER (THE LISTENER) TO ASK

· What to you feel about this issue?

· What do you believe about this issue?

· Is there a story behind this for you?

· Does this relate to your childhood or background in some way?

· What do you need with this issue?

· Tell me why this is so important to you?

· What do you wish for?

· What would be your ideal dream here?

· Is there a fear or disaster scenario in not having this dream honored? having this dream honored?

· Is there a deeper purpose or goal in this for you?

SAMPLE DREAMS FOR THE DREAM SPEAKER

· The experience of peace

· Unity with nature

· Freedom

· A close Family

· A spiritual journey

· A happy life

· Achieving justice

· Achieving honor

· Healing

· Becoming all I can be

· Dealing with my aging

· Obtaining forgiveness

· A place/time to just be

· Creating order from chaos

· Finishing something important

· Travel

· Reaching closure on a chapter of my life

· Love

· Saying good-bye

· Breaking my family cycle

· Feeling secure in myself

· Feeling good enough

· Having a sense of power

· Fulfilling my purpose

· Making a difference